Paint Brushes

I consider myself a very creative person. I love to write and take pictures. My mind is often running new scinarios for potential projects. One of those areas is art. I love to draw, and paint. I don't claim to be to good at it, I realize that I have much to learn. But the feeling that I get when I am able to make the picture in my head appear on paper is like none other.

Early in my relationship with Teagan, I think it was my birthday or Christmas, Teagan bought me an art set. It has oil paints, water color paints, pastel chalk, and colored pencils. It was an incredible statement early on in our relationship of how much Teagan believes in me and wants to see me thrive!  But, to be honest, I did not end up doing a whole lot of painting or coloring with it after I got it. Not because I didn't love it. I was just completely unsure of myself.

I had seen many fellow students while in high school who were absolutely incredible. It was great to watch them do their thing, but instead of taking it as inspirations or a future goal to reach, I let the ability of others cause me to shut down and stop doing what I loved. My fear of never getting better, and the fact that so many others were better than me set my mind spinning. Soon there were thoughts running through my head of, "you could never achieve that", or "why even try if you are so behind where they are?", and "you should just give up!" So I did for a short period of time.

After Teagan and I had been married for a little bit, I decided to start back up again. I had been working a part-time job, and had a lot of time (oh how I wish I had that time back!). So I thought, why not give that art thing a go again! I bought some canvases, and this time, I was going to try oil painting! If you know anything about painting with oil paints, you'll know that it can be quite impressive and beautiful, but if you don't have the correct cleaning solution, getting the paint off of your brushes can be an almost impossible task.

I loaded up my brushes with the oil paint, and fired away, all engines at their top speeds! By the time I was finished, I had a few canvases ridiculously full of paint, and paintbrushes that would not be useable until I cleaned them. With no brush cleaner to speak of, I turned to the internet. Surely there would be a solution! I found a few videos recommending soaking your brushes in laundry detergent. Okay. I'll try it. This was the result:

I had soaked them in the detergent, but felt so discouraged about the whole thing that I just never got back to rinsing it all out properly. Finally, after leaving all of my brushes in horrible condition, I grew sick of my not touching the cool art set that my wonderful husband bought me! I finally went and bought cleaner for my brushes, and the rest of the primary colors in acrylic paint (I had neglected to get blue). I was now ready for action!

A few months pass, and I still haven't even broken the seal on the paintbrush cleaner. I really don't know why I didn't use it right away, but finally, this last month, I saw it and decided that I was done. I was done being afraid of failure. I was done doubting my every move, and I was done having a coffee can full of disgusting brushes!

It may not sound like much, my story may seem kind of silly, but to me those dirty brushes were more than just brushes with paint and laundry detergent clogging their bristles. I had spent most of my life doubting that I could ever do the things that God had placed in my heart. I was a very fearful person. I had and still do have big dreams. But I was letting Satan lie to me constantly and get me to back down from ever trying! Who knows where my abilities could have been if I had not gotten scared, but simply continued on, not caring where I was in comparison to other people!

Gradually, God has lead me to a more fearless path. I now pursue the dreams that God placed in me all along instead of halfway trying and then letting myself talk me out of everything. As of 2015, I set many goals to reflect this newfound confidence. I saw those brushes every time that I opened my closet. Without fail, they were there to greet me. When I cleaned them, it was as if I was stepping into a new time in my life. No longer was I going to sit defeated and consider the dirty brushes of my life a reality that I was required to live with. All I had to do was take the first step, and wash the brushes.

The feeling that I get when my environment is clean is that of peace and tranquility. When my environment, my place of being, is cluttered and has longtime grime trapped in it, my mood is automatically dampened, and there is a certain turmoil that is constantly on the back burner in my mind. What are the dirty brushes in your life? What is stealing your peace? Most likely, you don't also have detergent laden brushes lying in your closet,  but I think we all sometimes get use to and learn to accept things in our life that just aren't okay. I wonder sometimes what kind of treatment and state of being we put up with just because that is how it has always been!

But it doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to live in a state of constant underlying fear. You don't need to put up with toxic behavior from people in your lives, and if something needs to be cleaned, it is only a matter of time and elbow grease! Take a step outside of your normal routine and thinking paths, and look long and hard at the things in your life that are stealing your peace. They don't have to stay. Sometimes, it is as simple as saying a prayer, booting someone out of your life, or cleaning some dirty brushes.