Okay, so not really. (That's just what they want you to believe.) And I hope you treat you significant other as if they were special all the other 364 days of the year. In reality, you should hold "the spirit of Valentines" year round and try to be extra nice even without the obligation of a holiday. (That one's for free, folks!) But if you are like I was all throughout high school, you may be rolling your eyes at the entire red and pink whirlwind going on around you, because like I was, you are single.
Yep you read that right. Not a single real date or relationship all while growing up. Not by choice- oh no no. I pined after many tall, gangly guys while in high school, but nothing came of any of it. Present day, I am married to my best friend and the only guy I have ever been on a date with. Things are wonderful, and this part of my life is without a doubt one-hundred percent a gift from God. But if I could go back a few Valentines days and talk to my tenth, eleventh, or even twelfth grade self, I would. And this is what I would say:
1. Stop Taking it so Personally
When I was going through school dateless, viewing numerous girls around me going on dates and being taken to dances, I took it very personally. What's wrong with me? Why do they refuse to take me out at all? Why do they all like the other girls so much more than me? I would drive myself nuts trying to figure out why it seemed to be the goal of the guys in my grade to keep me nice and single. In fact, I would even get angry about it. I took my singleness as a reflection of what other people thought of me, and what they thought of me (what I assumed they thought of me) was just not fair. But that wasn't the case. No one was out to get me. It just wasn't my time yet.
2. Don't Change to Gain Acceptance
Often while seeing other girls frequent the dating scene, I observed that the girls who openly flirted with the guys would get asked out by those who they had crushes on. That was not my style. I was never a flirtatious, laugh stupidly, touch often, wrestle inappropriately type of girl. So it drove me nuts seeing that those who acted the opposite of me got the opposite of being single. But I was never willing to change who I was in order to get what they had. I don't know if it was fear, stubbornness or wisdom, but I just never wanted to morph into the "ideal girlfriend". I wanted to be asked out on my own terms for the exact person that I was.
If you're toying with the idea of reshaping the parts of you that make you uniquely yourself, don't. People can be quite shallow in their tastes for the opposite sex. If you don't fall into the specifications for someone who often gets asked for their number, don't worry about changing yourself. The person who God wants to notice you will notice you for who he made you to be. The others that miss out on you probably were a bullet dodged anyway.
3. Being Single is Underrated
My go to feelings while I was singe were despair and self pity. Life was not fair, and that was the soul reason that I was not getting asked out. But honestly, the singleness that I experienced while in high school, while unwanted, was a blessing. Instead of worrying about my status with a guy who I would probably break up with and never see again, I had more time to become grounded in my relationship with God. I had more time to appreciate myself and develop into who I was suppose to be rather than who a guy influenced me to be. My time to be with someone would come, and sooner than I expected! But in the meantime, God knew that it would be good for me to learn who I was in him. Without that time of singleness before hand, things might have gone completely different. I probably wouldn't be in the relationship-the marriage that I am in now.
Singleness is not to be looked at as a negative. The world loves to tell us, as it told me while growing up, that the key to happiness is to have someone else to call your own. But that's simply not the case. Completeness comes in a relationship with God. Period. If you are feeling like less than the person you want to be, a woman or man in your life will not help that. God is "the one". Our spouse should be second.
And seasons of being single allow us to do things that might no longer be an option if we were to be in a committed relationship. Not dating has the potential to open up time, money and emotional energy that could allow us to pursue careers, develop skills, get through school, and most of all grow deeper and stronger with God. If you are finding yourself in a period of what seems like perpetual singleness, ask God what his next step in your life is. He may be preserving this environment of singleness for the purpose of allowing you to conquer things that would be problematic at best while pursuing someone. Singleness is not a boring state of sadness, it is a huge opportunity for growth.
4. You have No Idea What is Yet to Come
If I were to have gone back in time to high school me and told her that at 19 I would marry my best friend and an awesome man, I'm not quite sure if I would have laughed in my face or gone running. But I know for sure that I would have at least taken it as a comfort that someday I would be accepted and loved by someone worthy to be called my husband. In fact, whether or not I would have fully believed myself, the chance that it might be true would be enough to help me not care a whole lot about the present. But when you're in the season of dryness and waiting, that seems to be all that exists. The hope of a new day can be quite comforting to someone who can see nothing but the present.
Remember that things change. Styles, attitudes, friends, scenery, and eventually seasons in life will all give way to the next thing. If you find yourself despairing about your current situation, take heart that you have no idea what might come. Don't constantly remark that you're going to grow old and turn into a cat lady. For one, people tend to believe that if you say it too many times. And secondly, that completely cuts out the nature of God which is to make things new. Your situation may feel tired and worn out right now, but God still has plans for your life. Don't waste the time he has given you now by hating it because you are single. Find ways to delight in the every day and remember that your time is coming.
5. Stop Living Petrified
The main reason that I didn't date in high school was that I was scared out of my mind to put myself out there in the name of love. I was absolutely paralyzed because of fear. It could be that if I had not wallowed in self pity and fear that I might have actually had enough gumption to be myself and let others know who that was. Because I will tell you a secret, if it is obvious that you are uncomfortable around others, than others will be uncomfortable around you. I was the living breathing definition of awkward. If a witch had cast a spell on the phrase "socially awkward" and made it into a person, it would have been me.
So don't take it as an insult when I tell you all of this. Sometimes, I think the worst thing that we do as women is assure each other that it is never our fault. Let's take life by the horns, ladies! We have no need to live as shrinking violets. The direction of our lives is in God's hands, not the hands of potential dates.
Perfect love cast's out all fear. Perfect love being God. I might have once been the living version of awkwardness, but now I am the living testimony to the goodness of God. How did that happen? God transformed and changed me. Through spending time with God and rooting myself in the word, I was transformed from fearful and of this world to courageous and full of God.
If you deeply desire relationship, but are too afraid of putting yourself out there, ask God to help you boot the fear out of your heart and your life. God desires us to walk boldly as a light for him. And seeing as fear is usually a deterrent when it comes to relationships, maybe your season of singleness needs to become a season of transformation. This all gets back to God completing us, and not another person. The first step in a "relationship with Jesus in the center" is to actually have a relationship with Christ. Take a step back and make sure that God is the center of your life. Once we submit ourselves to God, he will transform us into people ready to submit ourselves to whomever he has for us.
6. There is More to Life than Being in a Relationship
I may have not said it out loud when I was younger, but I definitely was under the impression that the greatest achievement in life was to find the person that I was suppose to be with and marry them. I am a romantic at heart, so it made sense to me that the most romantic thing that I could think of would be the most important thing to look forward to. But that's just not the case. There is so much more to life than that. And while God may have marriage in the cards for us, he also has so much more planned for our lives!
The tendency around Valentines Day is to have two sides, the single people, and those in relationships. But I propose a third side. Why don't we boast not of our special someones or of our ability to save money in the month of February, but of the relationship that has changed our lives forever?
Many of our relationships with friends, boyfriends, or girlfriends will fall apart and be left in the past. But God will never leave us. He is in it for the ups and the downs, the flaws and the celebrations. He does not need a honeymoon feeling to make sure he doesn't feel like bailing. God is the author of love. Naturally, as a fallen world, we have any examples of love going wrong. And even in the best examples of love that the world has to offer, our love for each other pails in comparison to that of our Father Creator. Whether or not you have someone to call your own, remember that we are truly complete and loved and accepted by God. We never have to be alone as believers in Christ.
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