It had been an incredibly tough day at work. The job that I was currently working in was not in itself an activity that I disliked; it was the people at the job that made it tough. Looking back, I know that I was not wrong. I may have not always chosen to react in the way that I should have, and I am glad to be able to look back and learn. I am entirely grateful to God when I look back on the painful situation that He brought me out of. But the person who I was under was not entirely ready for their position. It showed in the way that they treated those who were beneath them. Basically, if you were answering to them, you knew that you were "under" them. In their mind, leadership meant hierarchy, belittlement, condescension, and zero encouragement for anything less than perfection. I genuinely hated working there, because I felt like every day was a new chance to get disrespected and treated like a complete imbecile.
This poem is describing a misunderstanding that I and the said coworker had one morning. I said something that was not a put down at all. I honestly did not intentionally or unintentionally say anything that was anywhere near the realm of an insult. I just wasn't willing to pretend to be buddy buddy any longer, and when I didn't reciprocate the fake front of being friends, I was reprimanded for it. I was told that I was rude, but that wasn't the case; I just wasn't going to fake friendship anymore. I was tired of being fake, and my participation in the forced dynamic was through. I promised myself I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of actually being rude, but I also wasn't going to torture myself any longer by playing friends. There would be no more compliance on my part when it came to their desire for me to be in their highly controlled circle of friend-employees. I was there to earn rent money, not grovel for a higher position in a company by pretending to like those above me. Rough, but true. And I was not wrong to not want to be friends! But that's not how it was taken.
I desperately wanted out of that job. I disliked it more and more with every passing day. But I was not going to let myself quit; we didn't have the money for that. And I wasn't going to let myself have a job terminating outburst either; that is not who I wanted to be. I had dialogue with God all the time about this job, and He had one reply every time.
"Love them".
What?! Really, God?! Don't you see what I am going through? Don't you see how controlling they are? How two-faced? I mean I know for a fact, that the way they're treating me is wrong. His answer; "Yes, I see that. But love them".
I didn't want to hear it. His answer was soft at first. Soft enough for me to tell myself that I didn't hear it and continue in my ways. I went through my workday with a grudge. I didn't act rude, just as I had promised myself, but I didn't love.
Okay, God. I know you know. I've told you enough times already, but when will I get out of this job? Please guide me to the next job. The job I know you have for me.
"Love them."
Love them? Okay. I want to obey you. So, yes, Lord. I will love them. And I would go to work the next day with the full intention to do just that, but I hadn't let go of the anger. I still had much anger inside me that was quenching the love that God wanted to pour out of me and onto my managers.
After the misunderstanding, I wrote this:
Offended?
So am I.
Your thin skin drives me up the wall
But how can I be offended by your offense?
That diverges off the path
Going backwards to where I don't belong.
But am I so bad
Was I so mean?
If I were in your place,
and you were in mine,
What would I have felt and seen?
No, a joke that was not at your expense
Cannot have been so bad.
Your hurt procures your hurt
Along with your controlled past.
The names of some are sour
As they pass through my lips.
Your teeth are smiling,
But in your heart
Compassion has lost it's grip.
Replaced by insecurity,
Now your suffering is my own.
And this I let fan my own compassion
And now I see,
I must choose peace
I must choose joy.
I stay connected to the vine,
And then I cannot help
But want to want.
I want to be compassionate
To want to see you free.
I have to get over my own self
And submit myself to the one who set you in my path
Not for my own frustration,
But to showcase his glory.
To manifest Heaven on Earth.
This lowly
crowded
ball of mud
Does not have to be so bland
And devoid of God.
No,
That is why you're here.
It's why I'm here.
Here in our tough
And getting tougher situations.
But they have not overcome us!
The joy of the LORD is our strength
And what makes no sense,I will do and I will not stop doing,
Because with God
With God I can lean back
And struggle no more.
His peace abounds,
And I look into the eyes of a person
Not an obstacle.
I see pain still rattling
Like a pond disturbed by a pebble.
And swearing to my own hurt,
I feel the Holy One inside me
Stopping the ripples from getting to me.
He gives me the strength to heal
And not hurt
The world becomes more real
We are not flat
one dimensional beings
She has hurt out of her own hurt,
And the path less chosen
Opens up in front of me.
That poem started out completely fueled by my inner struggle. I just wanted to give in to my anger and my need to be treated correctly. I wanted to tell them exactly what they did and who they really were, which was different from who they fronted being; who they thought they were. But I knew that was not what God wanted me to do. I knew for a fact that He wanted me to take the situation I was in and react in a way that no one else would- in a way that others would tell me I was crazy for doing. I could feel God loving me, and He wanted me to let go of my pain and anger and give in to what His will really was for my life and the lives of my managers. He wanted me to repay their toxic attitudes and actions with love and forgiveness.
I can't take credit for this whole poem. I feel as if at some point the Holy Spirit took my pen and started writing to me and for me. As I said before, I tried to brush off what God had told me to do. I didn't want to hear it, but day after day, prayer after prayer, God showed me that I needed to really do what I said I would, and love. Not love when they treat me correctly which never happened, but love them every second that I was there. So one day, after realizing that I was not obeying God, I asked Him for help.
"I know I am not loving these people, God. You ask me to, and I say yes, but I am not really doing it. Show me how, Lord. Show me how to love them. Help me do this, God, because sometimes I wonder if I'm even capable of seeing past the pain and anger and loving them! I know that is Your will for me, and I know I am not really loving. Help me, God. Show me how."
God heard my prayer. Not too long after that honest prayer, God drastically changed my perspective. He expanded my heart for my manager and opened my eyes to the pain that she held inside. Being in the work environment that I described had undoubtedly taken a toll. I saw her insecurity and sadness. It was undeniably the hand of God softening the callouses on my heart and lifting the scales off of my eyes, because it was not as if this girl opened up to me. She didn't tell me about how she was really feeling inside, I just saw her for a split second and was given some insight into her pain by God. I looked at her and was able to perceive what she tried to hide from everyone else. It was nothing short of miraculous. God will do that, if we let Him. He will break our hearts so that the enemies in our life can transform before our eyes into those who need us most desperately if we allow God to come into the mess with us.
I learned something incredibly life changing from that job. I might have been pushed close to the point of acting out, but God was with me, and held me back from the ledge. And because of His grace and mercy, I can look back and see very clearly that God's mission was and is always to love. I mean, this was a situation in which, as I said earlier, I was right. I had been treated in an incredibly demeaning way, but God still saw what I didn't see. He saw people- souls. When I had completely dehumanized them in my mind because of their actions towards me, God still saw them as who they were: those whom He had died for. And not collectively either. Jesus died for us individually, one by one, loving each one of us through to His own death.
God is in the business of loving. In His holiness, that is His only language. He is for you, yes, but the person in that car- the person on the other side of that table- the person on the other side of that TV, He is ALSO for. And maybe that person has crossed paths with you for a reason. Not to be some cosmic curriculum from God, but to be a person with real needs that could meet by God through us if we would die to ourselves a little so that we could love them.
This is why following God is hard. Not because we have to be different. People are different for the sake of being different every day. Being "different" is easy. But we are called higher than that. We are called to love when it makes no sense at all. We are called to repay the dirty, wrong, filthy deeds of the world with a love they have never known- and will never know otherwise.
It's not easy, and it doesn't make sense, but it is what we are made to do. We were designed to love. When we are able to let God flow through us and touch the lives of others, we are in our element. When I think back to the period of time that I was still in that job (before I started listening to God), I realize how miserable I was. I hated my job, and I would cry every time I had a hard day, which was a lot of the time. I was in the constant turmoil of trying to obey myself or obey God, and the former was bringing only more pain. Don't let the devil steal your peace and joy like I did. We were made to be the hands and feet of Christ. When we aren't the world has no one to show them Jesus love. But when we do, God moves mightily, lives are changed, and there is no denying His powerful, personal love.
I can't take credit for this whole poem. I feel as if at some point the Holy Spirit took my pen and started writing to me and for me. As I said before, I tried to brush off what God had told me to do. I didn't want to hear it, but day after day, prayer after prayer, God showed me that I needed to really do what I said I would, and love. Not love when they treat me correctly which never happened, but love them every second that I was there. So one day, after realizing that I was not obeying God, I asked Him for help.
"I know I am not loving these people, God. You ask me to, and I say yes, but I am not really doing it. Show me how, Lord. Show me how to love them. Help me do this, God, because sometimes I wonder if I'm even capable of seeing past the pain and anger and loving them! I know that is Your will for me, and I know I am not really loving. Help me, God. Show me how."
God heard my prayer. Not too long after that honest prayer, God drastically changed my perspective. He expanded my heart for my manager and opened my eyes to the pain that she held inside. Being in the work environment that I described had undoubtedly taken a toll. I saw her insecurity and sadness. It was undeniably the hand of God softening the callouses on my heart and lifting the scales off of my eyes, because it was not as if this girl opened up to me. She didn't tell me about how she was really feeling inside, I just saw her for a split second and was given some insight into her pain by God. I looked at her and was able to perceive what she tried to hide from everyone else. It was nothing short of miraculous. God will do that, if we let Him. He will break our hearts so that the enemies in our life can transform before our eyes into those who need us most desperately if we allow God to come into the mess with us.
I learned something incredibly life changing from that job. I might have been pushed close to the point of acting out, but God was with me, and held me back from the ledge. And because of His grace and mercy, I can look back and see very clearly that God's mission was and is always to love. I mean, this was a situation in which, as I said earlier, I was right. I had been treated in an incredibly demeaning way, but God still saw what I didn't see. He saw people- souls. When I had completely dehumanized them in my mind because of their actions towards me, God still saw them as who they were: those whom He had died for. And not collectively either. Jesus died for us individually, one by one, loving each one of us through to His own death.
God is in the business of loving. In His holiness, that is His only language. He is for you, yes, but the person in that car- the person on the other side of that table- the person on the other side of that TV, He is ALSO for. And maybe that person has crossed paths with you for a reason. Not to be some cosmic curriculum from God, but to be a person with real needs that could meet by God through us if we would die to ourselves a little so that we could love them.
This is why following God is hard. Not because we have to be different. People are different for the sake of being different every day. Being "different" is easy. But we are called higher than that. We are called to love when it makes no sense at all. We are called to repay the dirty, wrong, filthy deeds of the world with a love they have never known- and will never know otherwise.
It's not easy, and it doesn't make sense, but it is what we are made to do. We were designed to love. When we are able to let God flow through us and touch the lives of others, we are in our element. When I think back to the period of time that I was still in that job (before I started listening to God), I realize how miserable I was. I hated my job, and I would cry every time I had a hard day, which was a lot of the time. I was in the constant turmoil of trying to obey myself or obey God, and the former was bringing only more pain. Don't let the devil steal your peace and joy like I did. We were made to be the hands and feet of Christ. When we aren't the world has no one to show them Jesus love. But when we do, God moves mightily, lives are changed, and there is no denying His powerful, personal love.
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