My Summer

It is now officially fall! The summer is over, and even though the weather still has not lined up exactly with the supposed season change, many are glad to be rid summer 2015. I am one of them.

During this past summer season, my posting on my blog came to a screeching halt. And while I would love to say that this was all due to being busy, I really can't use that excuse. I had the time. I could have been writing. It was just a difficult summer for me.

The changes and stresses of various trials left me rung out like a damp towel. I found it very difficult to blog. Nothing felt quite right. The upheaval of my summer 2015 was a challenge that I am not sure I was completely prepared for. As a result, I was left with unanswered and unattended emotions which then snowballed into months of writers block. My blog, which had once felt like an opportunity for me to make a difference, soon felt more like a reflection of my failures. I started becoming more and more concerned that I had somehow earned the trials that Teagan and I had been walking through.

So what is it that happened? Well the first bomb was dropped by our past landlord. My husband and I had been renting a house under a lease, and the time for the lease to expire was coming. Our then landlord mailed us a form to renew our lease explaining that our rent was going to spike. Given the fact that Teagan and I were already considering trying to find another place to live with a larger yard, this was a fairly good opportunity to go ahead and look. Teagan and I start the search, we find a place, and we submit our application for the house. Oh yah, and the house would not available for another three months. So we had plenty of time to give our landlord notice in order to find new tenants. No problem, right?

This is when things get a little shaky. Our then landlord, upon receiving an email from our future landlord asking landlord-y questions about us as tenants, decided to send us a little letter. He was kicking us out. We received a months notice that we were to move out. What.

We were in shock. If this was what our landlord was going to do if we looked for a house and decided to not sign another lease, what would he have done if we were to tell him we were going to start looking without having found anything yet? None the less, no amount of unfairness would save us from this bump in the road. We packed our things and said goodbye to our first place together.

Remember when I said that the place that we found wasn't going to be available for another three months? Yah, we were practically homeless. At least we would have been, had it not been for our family, Tegan's Dad and stepmom, Gim and Tonya, taking us in. And while this was completely lovely, and we were very thankful to them, we quickly found that the stress was not yet over. Pro tip: if you can help it, don't move in with your in-laws mere months after getting a new puppy. I'll just let that one sink in.

Like I said, we were very thankful! We still are. But having your privacy stripped away from you so suddenly can begin to feel like a regression in life that you'll never get out of. Pretty soon, the place you use to call home is no longer home, it is a level of existence marked by feeling permanently out of control.

Let me put it this way, let's see a show of hands of all of the married people who are interested having roommates. No one? Not a one?

You get my point.

During this time, though, I was not only dealing with loosing my house and sense of stability, but I was also dealing with a new person at work. Maybe things would have gone differently if I had not already been under some stress, but who's to say? What I do know is that I was suppose to train a new person at work. I was given the task of making sure that the newbie knew how to do my morning tasks, just in case I happened to be gone. Then why all the hubbub, you ask? I will explain.

This employee happened to be an older employee. They would now be the oldest employee in our group at work. The employee had left another job in the same field and was now with us. This employee was accustomed to being a manager over people my age and up. Oh boy.

This employee was a terrible listener. They not only did not comprehend or remember when I would explain how to do something or why things are done in a certain way, they would interrupt. They would interrupt.

So I was set out to make sure that this person was able to perform the tasks properly. It was my job to do this, so in my mind, I was suppose to do what it took to correctly train this person and equip them with the correct skills needed in order to complete time sensitive and fairly detailed tasks. But they had listen skills problems, and they did not like to listen to me in particular because I am young. Do you see my problem?

Oh, but we're not done yet! Here comes the fatal flaw. The employee who sat right in front of the area in which I trained the newbie would take offense to me explaining things multiple times, and eventually expressing what I would describe to be minor exasperation. I say minor, because in reality, I was pulling my hair out on the inside. But all this time, I truly wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to express patience, and I believe I did. But for some reason, any time at all that I would correct or redirect the new employee, the other employee would interrupt our conversation in order to stop what I was doing. And they did so in such a way as to put me down, as if training an employee should somehow not include any redirection or criticism in any way.

This lasted for what weeks. The entire time, I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I needed to train the new employee, but I was being made to feel like dirt any time I gave redirection or correction. But in the end, I think that I did enough to make sure that I did my job. The new employee was trained. Regardless of how painful it was, they gained the knowledge needed to correctly complete the tasks given to them.

That's not to say that others haven't had the same problem with this new person. People have even requested that the new employee be transferred to a different department because of their inability to learn. Instead of showing the newbie patience, they take the easy rout and neglect properly administering the training. They weren't as patient as I was. I hear people constantly telling the new person that they have done something wrong.

In the end, I hope that the new person gets fully adjusted. I desire for them to be successful. If I would not have desired their ultimate success, I would have avoided ever telling them that they were wrong, and let them fail constantly. But I did not, and the one thing the newbie is okay at doing is what I taught them.

But even though I was able to teach the employee eventually, this situation still had a big impact on me. In the light of already being under stress, this came at me like a punch to the gut. It hit me hard, and I started doubting myself even more than I had before. I doubted my ability to express kindness, and I doubted my true intentions. And I did not exactly know what to do in order to get through those thoughts and doubts. So the creative block that had snowballed from unanswered and unattended questions snowballed even more from simple writers block into self doubt. And I just didn't know what to do about it.

Then, towards the end of what had shaped up to be a fairly ruthless summer, I was in a wreck. Nothing serious, we both walked away, but our cars did not. I stood dumbfounded as I tried to slow my racing heart, reasoning with it that everything was okay, and we would be alright. This, of course did nothing, because my body is incredibly illogical, and does not care to listen to my Spock voice.

Teagan and I had been in our new house for a little while, and I thought that regaining our privacy would be all that I needed to also regain creativity and get back to blogging. As I wiped what I like to call a "freaked-out-tear" (I wasn't really sad or frightened,  I was just trying to cope, which for me means tears), I realized that maybe that was not the case.

The things that I experienced this summer may seem fairly trivial to many, but rest assured, in order protect relationships and identities, there were several parts that I just had to leave out. This past summer involved working through several situations in which I simply had to take the injustices and move on. Either because it would have been inappropriate, or because I simply had no idea how to go about it, I never got to speak out on behalf of myself.

Sometimes we will have those moments in life- moments that are simply unjust. I hope we can all learn to make light of situations like that. But while I was walking through these various trials, I found that actually counting them all joy was very difficult for me. I know in my heart that joy is possible at any time. I believe that the Word of God is true. That is why I have come out the others side. But I could not have done it other than the grace of God carrying me the entire way.

If you're going through a time like I had, a season that feels endless and crushing, know this: God is near to the broken hearted. God will not leave you in your time of turmoil. We will face trials, the Bible makes this clear, but they are not the end. If you feel as I did, powerless and void of any energy to fight, rest in God. His burden is light. Tell Him what is going on and let His peace wash over you. God is faithful, and He is always there.

If you're experiencing a change in thought patterns because of how unjust your world feels right now, speak out. Who we are is completely dependent on God, not the situations around us. But that is not what society tells us. That is not even what man's logic might tell us. I know first hand how easy it is to believe the thoughts that pop into our minds degrading our very being. But they are not true. Any thought or idea that does not line up with all that God says we are (righteous, redeemed) is a lie form hell.

In that case, let the community of people that God has placed around you lift you up with prayers and support. Do not try to weather the storm alone. God never meant for us to strive to be independent super-Christians. Island-Christianity is also a dangerous lie from hell meant to separate us from the love and support that God has placed within arms reach. You're not weak or less than everyone else because you can't do it on your own. You are exactly like everyone else. You are who God intended you to be-part of a community.

 One of the things that kept me going was being able to receive comfort from family and friends. Speak out. I cannot emphasize this enough. Speak out, and do it soon, because lies spiral out of control so quickly. God will place people in your path that will give you the handhold you need to come out of the muck. Allow your healing to begin, and tell a trusted friend.

Maybe you're not really going through anything major right now. If that is you, do your best to always take the trials of others seriously. Be a soft place to land for those who need you. Listen without interruption. Then after hearing all that they have to say, sometimes a simple, "I'm so sorry that you're going though that", accompanied with a hug is all they need to be able to make it through. Comfort and affirmation can be healing and empowering. Avoid fixing. God can fix. Simply be a soft place to land.

I am proof that you can make it to the other side. I am proof that you don't have to stay sad, and you don't have to live with thoughts telling you that you're garbage. Look in the tomb, our Savior is no longer there. He has risen, and we with Him. Plug into community. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. God is not done with you yet. He has good things for you.