My husband and I have been married for two years since March ninth. Two tiny whole years. At least two years feels tiny when you think about the goal which is forever, but then again, it is not nothing.
Along with being married only two years, my husband and I got married quite young! I was 19 and Teagan was 21. I didn't even really feel like an adult yet, at the time. Honestly I had planned to get married at 25 or so, but we see that that didn't happen, and here we are. So it is with hesitation that I start any sort of reflective writing about marriage. But I feel like if you think marriage is great after skimping financially, dealing with being quite young, and any other myriad of hardships that those factors combined might bring, then you might have something worthwhile to say. So it is with a dollop of humility and a pinch of initiative that I shall attempt to write down a few thoughts that I have accumulated about marriage.
First I want to start out with a disclaimer: Marriage is great. It's great. Do not let Chris Rock or any other person tell you differently. When God brings you to your spouse, it is amazing. It's not amazing like eating oreos, but rather amazing like a magnificent paining. Don't get me wrong, I love oreos. The oreos were great, but they took little time to consume and yielded very little. A massive masterpiece of a painting took time, not only to paint but years of someone's life was spent learning how to paint. One might scoff at the work put not the painting saying, "why are you laboring so long? I have a box of oreos right here! A second and you'll have heaven in your mouth! It is not worth it." But once the work is put in, you can see that it is truly something to behold.
But even then, marriage is better than that because you are with that person every day, and it is vibrant and a lifelong adventure with that person in whatever life may hold. No, marriage is nothing like the type of love and relationships that much of the secular and religious world desires. It may appear to be foolishness to many. But to those of us who enter in to the fullness of what God has for those that would but say yes, there is an adventure more than worth waiting, sacrificing, and submitting for. Marriage is great.
The second thing that I want to say is that marriage, relationships, love, forgiveness, kindness, and grace is that they are all pretty much God's thing. They were all meant to operate under the pretenses that we shall let God direct them, not ourselves. When one attempts to replicate what we all clearly, blatantly, obviously desire (a monogamous relationship mutual love, respect, and forgiveness) without God in the equation, it is not enough. The living evidence of that may fall anywhere on the spectrum in peoples lives from the extreme to the livable. But folks, if you think "the one" will really be the one person that will make everything right and complete in your life, you're headed for a world of heart break.
When God was making each and every one of us, his ultimate goal was not to pair us up. God created us to be with him. Jesus died so that we could be with God forever. It has always been about you meeting God and spending life with him, not finding a man or woman to place in that spot. So when we do get to enter in to the major blessing of marriage, and marriage is a major blessing, it is best when it is built on a mutual understanding that, "hubby is not number one. Wifey is not number one either- God is number one, and he has brought us together. Let's be together, and in that togetherness always honor God."
When that mindset-that climate of the heart is found, the marriage flourishes because it is not squashed under the expectation of becoming our new God. Marriage cannot be what fuels your joy, peace, and need for love. Much of the byproduct of a great marriage is good, but the true source in our life must be God. If he is not, there is without a doubt someone or something in our lives that will be feeling the pressure to take his place. That person or thing will eventually crumble under the pressure and fall away or warp into something completely unrecognizable.
The third thing that I really want to impress upon you is that unaddressed anger or unforgiveness, which can often walk hand in hand, will burrow deep into a marriage and begin to rot it from the inside out. Any relationship can be ruined by deep rooted anger and unforgiveness. And sometimes, in an attempt to reach a sort of fake but livable state of peace, we can tend to brush feelings under the rug. Whether or not it is in order to avoid conflict or just our of laziness, we don't dress it, and try not to let it be real. But eventually it comes up and out. And the fallout of anger and unforgiveness that has been ignored is much worse, much more damaging than if we had taken the time and energy to fix the problem at it's root.
When you are in a relationship with someone that constantly has an undertone of sarcasm or annoyance going with everything that they say, it takes a toll. Living with an angry person, not explosive but just angry, is unpleasant to say the least. I had to work through some unaddressed anger at the beginning of Teagan and I's relationship, and it was hard. I had been wronged for sure by several broken friendships, but that still did not give me the right to bring our relationship down. Something had to budge, and God gently led me through what was a fairly untimely and dark period in my life.
Don't walk around with a chip on your shoulder. If you find yourself constantly badmouthing someone or complaining unceasingly, maybe it's time to take a step back. Is your life going well? Do you enjoy your days anymore? If there is a constant turmoil in your life, ask God about it. He gives us a spirit of love, power, and a sound mind. Nowhere in there does it say that God bolsters our existence with a spirit of aggression. Constantly being annoyed will only bring an unrest that will either tear a marriage down or make it something you dread. Face the anger. Pray and ask God for guidance. If he can help me, no one is too far gone. I'll leave it at that, but take my word for it.
The last thing that I think does not get said enough is that to really give your marriage an extra essential boost, just say no to badmouthing or complaining about your spouse to others. There are always extreme situations in which one might need to get help, but in most cases, the women at work don't need to be looking down on your husband because he accidentally washed a red shirt with the white clothing. Honestly I think that degrading your spouses image behind their back or while with them is probably one of the fastest ways to get an absolutely mediocre marriage.
When we get married, we become part of a team. Teagan and I really like that analogy, because it helps you realize that it goes against any partnership to start going against the other player. If a football team started blocking it's own players, the only possible outcome would be a loss! When you agree to be with someone for the rest of their life, feeling like you are always safe with that person- like they always have your back is incredibly important.
The number one cheerleader of your spouse should be the person they come home to every day. If we have a problem with our spouse, the person who should hear about it is them. That's it. Terri at from work is not interested in the wellbeing of your relationship. So if it is so bad that you need to talk to someone, couples counseling would be your best bet. It will foster a fair environment in which real progress can be made.
Again, there are different situations, so don't hold out on getting help if your straits are dire. But I think for the most part, it is not a matter of us putting up with bad treatment. The fact of the matter is, if we want a loving and vibrant relationship with our spouse, what those around us hear should build up. Otherwise, we will crush any respect right our of our marriage. That's not what God had in mind, and it doesn't have to be what we walk in any longer. As always, seek God, and even get an accountability partner. Talk with someone older than yourself that has been there. God will be faithful to change your heart and renew your mind until you see a completely transformed marriage.
That's all that I have to say for today! Like I said, I am just on the beginning of the beginning of marriage. I claim no seniority, but I will claim that I know that marriage is amazing and a blessing from God. It's not a doily covered, bed at 6pm, type of blessing either. Marriage is meant to be amazing, vibrant, and fun. God is the author of every good and perfect thing, so isn't he also the author of fun? God knew what he was doing when he created this union.
Teagan and I first met at a coffee shop through a mutual friend, and for me, it was not love at first sight. I took one look at him and told my friend that I would never date him! God laughed a resounding, "haha!" and not too long after that we were engaged and scrambling to throw a wedding together! God has a sense of humor. God loves fun. And ultimately, even when I was questioning that something so precious and incredible could really be from God, God knew best.
These tiny four points are just a small glimpse into marriage, but I felt that they touched enough peoples lives to deserve being addressed. Two years ago I said yes to my best friend. I couldn't legally have wine at my wedding, and the lighting was horrible because at the last minute, the game was called on account of rain- to a basement. But, and I guess this could be a bonus number five for any of you who have not yet said, "I do": the actual day matters very little. The glamor and the hype and the online presence of your wedding is fun, but it is not what makes the marriage great. And I would take 50 more years of this adventure of a bond over the most glamorous repeat of my wedding.
Teagan, I love you! You're the best! Here's to many many more years!
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