Seven Ways I Journey with God

I have never known a time when I was not a churchgoer. From birth I have been a part of the church. I count this as a beautiful blessing, especially because my parents were the real deal. They were not fakers, and I was raised by their example. But something that I had a hard time wrapping my head around until recently was when pastors would talk about a relationship with God. "It's important to have a relationship with God", they would say. "You have to know God!"

I believed in God, but it confounded me when people would talk about knowing God. I would think about real relationships that I had in life, and my "relationship" with God never seemed to match up. I knew who my family members were. I knew how they reacted to things, and I knew their preferences. But to say I knew God was a little difficult. I wasn't sure at all if I could even say I knew him.

I can recall prayers that I made as a young girl trying to pursue God in which I would ask things like, "What's your favorite color?" Or "What kind of weather do you like, God?" Each of these questions fell with a big flop. And to be honest, in the back of my mind, I wasn't sure that the creator of all of the colors even had a favorite. My attempts at growing a relationship with God always seemed to fall short, and I eventually just stopped trying to figure out how to make it all work. I trusted God, but I had no idea how to get to know him. I had no clue how to achieve the relationship that people in church claimed was so essential.

Finally, one day while worshiping in church, I decided I was done being unsure. I frequently felt God's presence while worshiping him on Sunday mornings, so I had no doubt that he was real and loved me. But I wanted more. I wanted to be able to say that I had a real relationship with my God. So I started out small. I started out just asking God to reveal himself to me. "I want to know you, Lord." And that was all that I said to begin with. But that small simple prayer slingshotted me into having a real relationship with God. God definitely heard me. In the months after that honest prayer, he started revealing things to me that I could do to enter in to an intensely relationship with him. Here are ways that God showed me to connect with him:

1) Be honest with God.

I put this at number one on my list because I think we often have a difficult time doing it. Many times, without thinking about it, we edit ourselves when we are praying to God. Instead of coming to our heavenly Father like we would when talking to a friend, we approach the Lord as if we were talking to our pastor or someone we want to impress. We leave out the imperfections we have, and try to act as if we have everything together. I mean, common! This is GOD we're talking about! I can't be the real me. God is all holy and stuff. I couldn't let him see all of that. I know that sounds silly, but for a while, that's what I did. I wasn't really me with God, because I felt like I had to put on airs. The tragedy there is that we can't even begin to go deep with God if we are being fake. If we don't show him the deepest parts, the most hurt and imperfect parts of ourselves, we can't make real progress. We have to let God in to have intimate real relationship with him.

I can't place the exact time or event, but at one point I felt God saying to me, "You know, you don't have to do that. You can be real with me." I hadn't realized up until then that I really was editing the person that I was when I tried to pray. I made a point right then to stop being fake, and be totally transparent with God. Eventually, my prayers started sounding different. They included everything I was going through. If I was feeling really tired when I was trying to do my daily devo with God, I would let him know. If I was angry with someone, I wouldn't keep it from him. When I found myself struggling with something, God would be the first one I told. And I started to notice something amazing. The things that I was honest with God about were changing for the better. Issues that had been a problem, I was now seeing breakthroughs in! When I stopped the show and devoted my time with God to not holding anything back, God was able to be in every part of my life.

2) Bring everything to God.

They always say on Sunday morning that we should bring all of our requests to God, and it sounds really nice. But how many of us take God up on his offer? How many of us give him the chance? Well, one day I was really struggling with anxiety. I was worked up about several things. I knew in my mind that I really had no control over any of these issues, but still I worried about them! I was fed up with knowing in my mind that it was useless to worry, but continuing to have the wretched physical response to my dread! And I felt God saying, "Just give it all to me. Whenever anything is bothering you, at any point in the day, let me know. Then you can go back to having peace."

So I started a list. On one side, it said "WORRIES" and on the other it said "GIVE IT TO GOD". Let me tell you, I filled that paper up with tallies very quickly. My goal was to keep it even. For every worry that popped into my head and got a tally, I marked another tally on the "GIVE IT TO GOD" side. I was done with feeling tense, and I was through with taking what should be in God's hands into mine.

I don't have that list any more. But I didn't even need to keep it up, because after banishing the chronic tense worry feeling that I use to live in, I was never going back again. Not to say that I don't get worries anymore. I certainly do. The difference now is that as quickly as I can, I talk with God about it. God cares about what we care about. So don't miss the opportunity to let him calm your fears by taking over something you have no control over anyway.

3) Let God know about things even though he technically already knows.

This is one of my favorite parts of having a real relationship with God. I love to let him know about things in my life, even though he is God and knows everything. And I know he isn't bored by it, either. God created the universe and everything in it, and he still delights in his children. I think he enjoys it immensely when we come to him excited about something, because its a way to build our relationship. And it's not necessarily that you're informing God of something he doesn't know, but you're actively sharing your life with God intentionally. By being intentionally personal with God, you're taking him out of the box of omnipotent uncaring God and allowing yourself to interact with him on a personal level.

4) Sing to God when you are singing praise and worship.

This one is a personal favorite of mine. I know that it isn't necessarily for everyone, but when we are singing songs in church, I feel like I enter into Gods presence easier if I act like he is right there. Singing songs to God is just how I do that. Let me explain this a little more. When we sing a song like Our God, I won't sing "Our God is greater", I will sing "God you are greater". I stop singing to an audience and start singing as if God is the only one there. I make praise and worship time about personally sending God an offering of praise. When I act like God is there, which he is, then it's almost like he responds back saying "yes, I AM here!" God longs to be in direct relationship with us. When we come before him expectantly, he welcomes us in with open arms.

5) Ask God to help you know him.

It's hard to wrap our minds around the idea of God. An omnipotent being that knows all but still came to earth as a human man? That isn't easy to get a grasp on! So when I open the Bible, I just ask God to show me who he is. "God, I really want to know who you are, reveal yourself to me through the scriptures. Help me know you better." And he honors those requests. When I start out my readings or my day asking God to reveal himself to me, he hears and helps me see how merciful or holy he is. Things that I have read many times before now illuminate the character of God. "Knock, and the door will be opened" is a great verse to stand on if you are baffled by the idea of a relationship with God. Test the waters, because God's word can't come back void.

6) Set aside time.

It's just like any other relationship. If you want to know someone better, you spend time with them that is devoted to them alone. It does't have to be a long extended amount of time. If spending 45 minutes praying and reading the Bible freaks you out, then start smaller. Just get started. Bring what you can to the table, and God will multiply it.

My hang up on this one is that I feel guilty when I don't spend time with God. I would feel ashamed, and then I would not want to spend time with god because of my shame. It was a Adam and Even hiding in the bushes scenario. Very pointless, and a huge waste of time, because God isn't in opposition with us; he is for us! When the prodigal son started his journey back to his father, the father ran to meet his son when he was still off in the distance! God is eagerly waiting for us, and all he has prepared for us is love. Realize when lies come in that try to tell you you aren't worthy, because the truth is that God is for you. Today. Right now. He is running while you are still off in the distance.

7) Get Quiet.

Most of the time, when I hear God and get a glimpse into his heart, it is after I have quieted my own thoughts. Personally, when I pray, I tend to go on and not stop for a while. God is always very polite during my ramblings. But when we sit still and know that God has got us, and we don't have to struggle, we will find that God is actually able to get in a word edgewise! We are able to hear from God when we quiet our thoughts and expectantly wait on him.

That is also a personal struggle for me. I had to quiet myself just this morning when I was thinking about my hair. Very holy, I know. But I just told God what was going on. "Hey, God, honestly I just spent a good couple minutes worrying about my split ends. I'm sorry about that. But I am going to trust you with my hair and let that go. Back to you, now"

If writing what is on your mind down helps, then do that! But God is still concerned about the little mind wanderings. He isn't insulted when we think about other things. So we don't have to feel guilt when that happens. Staying on the subject helps, but God desires intimate relationship with us. And sometimes when spending time with those we are in relationship with, we will stray into the mundane parts of life. I just tend to think that God is fine with that.

While these seven points are very true to what I have done, they aren't necessarily a recipe for gaining a relationship with  God. So I hope this doesn't read as some sort of rigid seven steps to relationship with God. We are all different, and God made us to be different.What may be your favorite way to get close with God may be something that just doesn't click with someone else.

My hope is that these seven points will be tips that will encourage and help you in your personal journey and perusal of God. God is incredibly personal. He's not the big angry grandpa in the sky. The whole Bible is his story of how he made a way for us to be able to be together with him. The veil is torn, and we can always enter into God's presence. There will never be a moment when you have to take a break from God because of something that you have messed up on, because Jesus has already taken it all. All we have to do is make our way (however slow or sloppy it may be) back to God and watch him come running.

~

Thank you for reading! I really am serious, I would love your feedback! Feel free to comment your thoughts and ideas in the comment section bellow. You can subscribe by email for content on every Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday. 

If you enjoyed your read, please consider sharing on Facebook or Twitter.
Above all, know that you are loved.

Happy Tuesday!

Testimonies and Platforms

Just a teeny tiny post today. I have been quite busy lately! I did in fact have a few extra things that I don't normally have added in this week. My husband and I were able to go a fund raiser for an Agriculture museum here in Lubbock because of his job. And we have started going to a young married couples group on Wednesdays. But  to be honest, I was a little busy with a nap at one point this week. Very pressing. Very pressing indeed. But besides things happen in my own little corner of the planet, things have been going on around the world!

Emma Watson is a name some of you might recognize. She was the actress who played the character Hermione in the Harry Potter movies. The saga has since ended, but she has not stopped doing marvelous things. Watson has been very involved with women's rights. She recently made an amazing speech launching He for She, a project that seeks the involvement of men for what is actually an issue for everyone, not just men. The speech Emma gave spoke of how both men and women need freedom to be truly who they are, and not the version of themselves that they pretend to be because society assumes it is who they are. She has used the platform she has because being in an iconic book-to-movie series for real good and real change.

Another, less notable story that has been circulating is that of YouTuber Sam Pepper. In the YouTube community, there are many who have gathered followings of millions. When they make a video, there are millions of people on the other side of the screen subscribed and watching. Pepper has used his platform less admirably than Watson. His last three videos have been a reflection of that. Basically, without spending too much time on him, Pepper's videos consisted of inappropriate behavior towards others titled as "pranks" or, as of video three, "social experiments". His foot-in-mouth syndrome was not received well. The community's response to him making light of publicly violating strangers was nothing short of a resounding "NO".

I have brought all of this up to show us something. Emma Watson and Sam Pepper both have one thing in common; they are both famous. They both have the eyes of many many people on them. This is a little scary to think about. We all are in need of a savior and have no doubt done things that we aren't proud of. Neither would we want our daily actions to be as accessible to the public as their actions are. Emma and Sam are both under the scrutiny of others because of their platform. The difference, though is what they chose to do with it.

One has headlines that brings hope for the future, and the other has made headlines that discourage and mislead those who might have trusted him. Watson and Pepper both had an equal opportunity to make an impact, but only one intentionally chose to make it positive. And as Christians, we have the same choice before us.

We as Christ followers have a platform that we can reach people with: our lives. We live in the same world as everyone else. We do much of the same things. The roads we take to work have the same speed limits. The things we purchase have the same price. Even the people we talk to and do life with are often the same as those around us. The difference between us and those around us is that we proclaim to have chosen Christ. We have openly declared to the world that we know the only right path and that we are trying to take it, so peoples ears have perked up. Those around us are watching. You don't have to be the head speaker over some huge ministry to have a platform. You don't have to be a pastor or even a "Christian" artist. Your time to influence people towards Christ is now, and your ministry takes place exactly where you happen to be.

Sometimes as someone who grew up in the church, I felt like people were giving off the vibe that to really live for Christ, you need to be blatant about it. You can't just write books they have to be Christian books. You definitely can't just be in and indie band, you have to be in a Christian indie band. You can't make a movie, you have to make a Christian movie. If not, then how could you be living for God?! You can't devote your life to God unless you are doing something that is textbook Christian. Not that I am saying that Christian books, movies and artists aren't great! They are wonderful. But isn't everything that we do technically "Christian" if we have devoted ourselves to Christ? Isn't everything that we do for Christ?

Colossians 3:23 says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord". So I'm not saying that we should try to hide our Christianity. Definitely we should be open about our relationship with Jesus. But we should also be who we are. We don't need to pick and choose the things we present to the world around us because some things don't seem "Christian" enough. We should feel free to show the world everything God has made us to show.

We need to realize that even when a song is about regular life, it is still for God because God reaches every part of our lives. Even when a painting doesn't include a depiction of Jesus on the cross, it is still for God.  A fictional book, even if it isn't Left Behind, can still be for God, because anything we do will reflect God's love for us. It will spill out whether we say Jesus ten times in our song, or don't say his name at all. God doesn't leave us when we stop singing Toby Mack and start singing Jack Johnson. He delights in his kids and everything that they do! And God does not need to be blatantly mentioned to be in the midst of everything we do when we do it all for him.

I think that often, in attempt to fit into the Christian category, we turn our Christianity to some sort of turbo speed and stunt our ability to honestly be ourselves. We try to act like some super Christian, when in fact, we are just saved by the grace of God. We keep ourselves from creating certain things just because they don't have the overt label of Christian, and I don't think that does us any good. People are looking for the real deal. They are looking for people who struggle like they do. If we are going to proclaim to love God and live for him, the people around us are going to be looking for honesty.

I would say, as a people who have a platform because of our faith in God, we should strive to reflect honesty towards those around us. Not the type of faux-honesty that criticizes those around us and has its eyes on others, but the type of honest transparency that doesn't feel the need to look "holier" than it really is. If we live in truth, rather than in lies, then, yes, people will probably see your broken side. Those watching us on our platforms will be able to see some of the things that we would rather them not see. But that doesn't "damage our testimony". That is our testimony.

When I am honest with you guys about various issues that I wrestle with (anger and judgement just to name a few), my point is not to stoop to a certain level in order do "fit in". My point, rather, is to be a source of encouragement because I know God did not and has not left me in the mess. My goal in confessing my struggle is to bring glory to God rather than myself. It can't bring the name of Christ down to confess that you have things that God is still working on, because that is the glory and point of salvation.

And that is the drop off that I have with some mainstream Christian things. If we are to truly reach the lost, our journey as a believer that is truly in constant need of a savior will always be far more helpful than our Christian-ized edited version. Not that we aren't constantly getting better and seeing growth, but that is all due to God doing a work in us. When we try to put on a mask and pretend that we don't and have never had issues, that directly subtracts from God.

This is a "God" story, not a "look at how perfect this person is" story. Every single thing that we do should be for the glory of God, and when I try to look as if I am perfect on my own, on top of flat out living a lie, I rob God of an opportunity to beckon more of his children back to him. God wants to be able to say, "Look and see how I have worked in my child's life! I have the same in store for you! I have love and acceptance for you too! Say yes to me!" We all have a platform, and we all have a choice. By letting our guard down and giving God the glory, we can be the tools that God uses to turn hearts towards him.

~

Thank you for reading! Feel free to comment your thoughts and ideas in the comment section bellow. You can subscribe by email for content on every Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday. 

If you enjoyed your read, please consider sharing on Facebook or Twitter. 

Happy Sunday!

My Battle Against Anger

Since I can remember, I have struggle with anger. I do not know how else to say it. As a little girl, I can remember taking out many frustrations on my younger brother. If he did anything to annoy me, I would retort to hitting. I found it hard to function in an acceptable level much of the time because of my anger. I can even remember a time when a family member asked my dad if I had stopped lashing out at my brother yet. I guess they didn't know I had been listening.

I can't explain the genesis of my anger. I have no idea where it came from. I didn't have a troublesome childhood. I wasn't abused. By all accounts, I should have been a pretty amiable person! Anger has just been my thorn in my side that has been with me all the way. I have had to deal with it since I was young, and I still have to fight the urge to let myself become angry.

Jesus had an opinion about anger. In Matthew 5:22, Jesus said, "But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire." Ouch, Jesus. That's an incredible take on something that most of us face every day.

Now let me get something straight, and hear me as someone who struggles with anger and wishes it could poof away. No one, and nothing can MAKE us angry. That was a hard pill for me to swallow when I first heard it. It really came across as arrogant. "Of course things or people can make me angry", I thought. "How else am I suppose to react? Aren't I entitled to be angry?"

Okay, let me put it another way. Nothing can force us to loose our peace. Peace is a precious gift from God. When we walk with God, we have the ability to enter into a peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). We have to fight to keep our peace rather than pick up the anger we have tried to put down. We can be in control of our emotions. We can, by God's grace, choose which emotions that we want to keep experiencing; the ones we know God wants us to walk in.

I have read before that when we express an emotion because of what someone does to us, it is a lot like if you're holding a drink and someone bumps into you. What happens? The drink spills out. But the fact that it was red wine, and not water is not the fault of the person who bumped into you. They did not force you to choose the wine over the water in the first place. See what I'm saying? When something in life happens that causes you to react, what is already in the inside is going to come out. We are responsible for our reactions, inside our mind and out side of our mind.

Growing up, my dad was always pushing my brothers and I to not give up and doubt our abilities. He expected a lot from us, but that was because he believed in us. My dad held my siblings and I to a much higher standard than I think most parents hold their children to. He didn't take very many excuses at all. As a result, we also believe in ourselves, and we are far more disciplined than a lot of the others in our generation. We were never allowed to just lay down and act defeated. Now, as adults, we have the strength to stand up.

Anger and acting out has been a massive battle of self-control for me. For the longest time, I never addressed my anger. I wouldn't stand up against it at all. I don't know that I ever fully realized that it was something that needed attention until I entered my adult life. This was partly due to the fact that I didn't have much, while growing up, that would challenge my peace. As a kid, I went to school, and hung out with friends every now and then. There was not a whole lot that I was subjected to that pushed my buttons.

After I moved out, I got married, got a job, got some pets, and had to face traffic every day. Everything that I just listed in the previous sentence was a brand new opportunity to let myself be swept away with anger, and a lot of the time I cracked. I began to feel like a monster, because I realized that almost every opportunity that I was given to either choose anger or peace, I failed and choose to lash out in anger. For a while, I was a horrible driver! I would drive very aggressively, and completely embarrass myself. Two times since I have moved out, out of my pitiful inability to cope with things that would trigger my anger, I smashed a window (that's two separate windows).

This is some real humble pie, I'm choking down. It is incredibly mortifying to admit that I was so weak. But I know that God is glorified through my weakness. And if I can relate to even one person- if I can help just one person know that there is a way out, and that they are not alone, then I will open myself up to embarrassment. So if you're anything like I was, and you're struggling to choose love over anger- if you have a short temper, then I can assure you, there IS a way out. The turmoil in your soul is not a permanent fixture with God! Here is what I found helped:

1) Let someone know.

This is one of the fundamental steps in overcoming any great struggle. I urge you to find an accountability partner. Find someone whom  you can trust to care about you and walk with you through the fire. Anything that is kept a secret will become far bigger than it really is and cause you double the pain, because you're going at it alone.

I tried very hard to keep my struggle with anger a secret. I was terrified of what people would think of me if they knew. I am not sure what I thought would happen if someone found out the truth, but once I broke down and let someone know the situation, God finally was able to bring some light into the situation. The pressure immediately lessened. And my problem looked a lot less like a giant because I was no longer trying to do it all by myself. Letting someone know about your situation allows the lies that Satan has told you in the dark to be exposed. God will honor your step of faith, and speak through the person to whom you went. In the end, the devil is left powerless.

2) Get ready to forgive.

The path to peace, is also full of forgiveness. I know it's not easy. While in the process to removing the anger in my heart, God had me forgiving constantly. It was not always deep wounds either. Much of the time, it was something like forgiving a driver on the road who felt the need to tailgate me. It was and still is a daily process of letting peoples actions against me out of my clutches and trusting God with them. And I'm not saying that we don't face real things that are incredibly unfair. Without exception, we will all have to deal with someone treating us completely unfairly! But when God is the one we trust with the injustices in our lives, we are able to accept the peace that God has to offer.

3) Be choosy about what you subject yourself to.

After deciding that I didn't want to be such an angry person, something that God showed me was that I would read certain things on the internet, or go to the comment section of certain articles just because I knew that they would be something that I disagreed with. I would read a title and think, "That doesn't sound right", or "I'm sure someone had to say something I won't agree with". Then I would click it purely for the sake of reading something that I disagreed with! I was looking for opportunities to get riled up. How mental is that?!

When we decide to be uncompromising about our peace, we have to make decisions differently. The things that we use to do that fire up our anger can't be the same things we let into our minds anymore. I had been seeking out things that would trigger my anger without really thinking about it, and God showed that to me. He helped me realize that peace is an active choice. There are hardly any times in life when we will stumble on peace accidentally. We have to be intentional about keeping our peace.

That's not to say that we just turn a blind eye to everything that might upset us. There will be important issues in the world that will be upsetting. But don't go in to situations looking to get angry. When reading about an issue in order to educate yourself, put on compassion. Love and compassion don't shake hands with anger. Love and compassion walk hand in hand with community, and they're the only way that real, God-level progress is achieved.


4) Rely on God, and not yourself.

After finally getting low enough that I knew something had to change,  I finally gave myself over to God. Up until I realized that I couldn't fix myself, I had been trying to go it on my own. I felt like if I struggled enough- if I tried hard enough, I could beat my anger. I could live in peace and act kindly towards others if only I worked harder. All that sort of thinking did was discourage me, because it is only through Christ that we are overcomers. Romans 8:37 says "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." It was that last part that I was forgetting. I was believing the lie that said I needed to struggle, when I really needed to just let God continue his work in me.

When I got ahold of that, I learned to confess and trust God. After another mess-up, my prayer would go something like this, "Hey, God. I just messed up again. I acted out in anger. I don't want to be that way. I want to follow you! I can't do this on my own, and I don't want to. Please forgive me, and give me the strength to obey you. Thank you, God. I love you, and I know your love for me is so much more amazing. I trust you to complete the work in me!" It was that simple, and even more simple than that sometimes, but it was what I needed. I was not strong enough to replace the anger in my heart to peace and love. I needed Jesus to come in for me and change the angry red wine in my heart to soothing and peaceful water.

Gradually, God did a major work in me. It was and is nothing short of a miracle that I act and behave the way that I do now. Believe me, if I had been on a reality TV show, viewers would have had a hard time believing that I could have changed the way that I have. It was not immediate. Remember, there were two windows. The things that use to bother me still stirred me up sometimes, and I fail a lot. But God did not leave me. Eventually, he replaced my anger with love. Now, it is peace that spills out of me instead of a torrent of anger and insecurity. All that I did was stay connected to God. He was my source. He was the one that accomplished this great work. And now I can look back and glorify God because he didn't leave me in the mess that I was in.

~

Thank you for reading! Feel free to comment your thoughts and ideas in the comment section bellow. You can subscribe by email for content on every Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday. 

If you enjoyed your read, please consider sharing on Facebook or Twitter. 

Happy Sunday!

Rain, Grass, and Comparing

Lately, where I live, she have gotten a lot of rain. I love the rain, and find this to be some of the most beautiful weather a human can experience. The sky is a wonderful shade of grey, the sunlight is filtered through a mass of clouds as far as the eye can see, and a light drizzle washes my car clean. I think I could sit for days in this beautiful weather and be the happiest, calmest, most mellow woman there ever was. I am so grateful to God for this wondrous weather! 

Another wonderful side affect of the moisture we have been receiving is that Lubbock is turning green! Our typically brown crunchy west  Texas grass is becoming luscious and green! Yay! 

It is a whole new world, in fact sometimes, I can scarcely believe that we still really live in this normally dry town. One day while in my back yard, I took this picture:

My yard is full of green grass! Or so it seems. I just wanted to get a great view of the beautiful greenery that we now had in our back yard. I wasn't trying to be particularly misleading, but after I took that picture from that vantage point, I took this one:

Sometimes the grass just isn't as green as you thought, now is it? Sorry, I had to! At the time when I took those two pictures, I just thought it was funny. But as with so many times before in my life, God saw it as a teachable moment. I could fool anyone with the first picture if I presented it by itself. If I had left out all of the dog poop and brown mud, no one would have been the wiser! And in life, we have a lot of full grass/ tiny patch of grass moments. Times where we look at someone, and say, they are doing so much better than I am! When in reality, that's not the case. We will work ourselves all up because of our perception of other people. We I love to compare ourselves to others, often often putting ourselves down because of nothing but a tiny green patch in the middle of a big mud pit.

This method of comparing and despairing does a few key things, though. And I think it's worth it to take a look.

1) It gets us judging others.

If we allow ourselves to look at others and constantly compare them to ourselves, there are two things that happen. Either you come out on top, or the person you're comparing yourself to becomes the winner. It is a loose loose situation, though, because either your perception of yourself is lowered, or you end up judging the other person. The first scenario where we feel worse about ourselves is negative because that means that we are not basing our worth in who God says we are. We are looking for self affirmation though the act of beating someone out in something that is important to us. 

In the second scenario in which we win, the tragedy there is that we are boosting our pride. A little tidbit about pride, the Bible says in James 4:6, "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble". Becoming proud makes it so that God cannot use us, and putting others down in our mind is one of the fastest ways to obey our flesh and grow our pride. Also, pride in yourself will always fail you eventually. We are not perfect, so placing so much value on ourselves is a great way to make sure you'll be let down in the near future.

2) Comparing ourselves to others dehumanizes those around us.

When we compare ourselves to the women who just walked in the room, she ceases to be God's beloved and becomes an object to us. She becomes an obstacle to overcome; a speed bump in our way towards a better self-esteem. Often, after feeling threatened by someone else's supposed superiority, we start to view them and act towards them with hostility. We objectify them. Then our insecurity kicks in, and before you know it they have become our enemy because they are an obstacle that will not move. This process squashes our love. How can we act toward someone lovingly if secretly inside, we have dehumanized them? It is not how God intended for us to interact, and it only leads to hurt. If we stop comparing, we open up our ability to love.

3) We discount the beauty of our personal relationship with God.

No, we are not all in the same place. Things that seem simple for everyone else are still a struggle for some of us, and that's okay! In fact, that is great, because we are all different. We all learn in different ways. We connect with God in unique ways, and sometimes when we compare ourselves to others, I can just feel Him saying, "Don't you love our relationship? Why are you coveting their relationship with me and where they are when our relationship is so beautiful? I made you to be different because I like those differences!" 

Our journey with God is exciting and awesome in part because God comes to visit with us one on one. Our relationship with God isn't a speaker-audience type relationship. Rather, He is there with us throughout our day, listening and caring about the things that matter to us. He wants to be our best friend, and when we look at what others have, I wonder if that doesn't come across as a little sad to our Heavenly Father.

4) Our eyes move off of God and onto ourselves.

Possibly the worst outcome of all is the fact that when we concentrate on ourselves and others, we are no longer concentrating on God. The only way that we can overcome insecurities and feelings of inferiority is to focus on God and let ourselves be changed by Him. When we stop worrying about how we stack up against others and simply sit at the feet of Jesus, we can find fulfillment and learn that who we really are is unshakable. When we focus on God, no amount of people doing better around us can ever shake who we really are in Christ.

I have to renew my mind and keep this in the forefront of my thoughts daily. I mean, Martha was right! There probably was a lot to get done. There will always be someone better than you, no matter what category you choose! There will always be things pulling at you to get up and walk away from Jesus feet. But if we follow the path that Mary took, we will realize that the one who really deserves our concentration and attention is not ourself or the others around us.  The best seat in the house will always be right in front of our loving savior, Jesus. 

Oh, and before I go, as you can see, I have made some changes to my blog. I decided that I wanted to spruce 'er up a little bit! I also added a gadget to my home page that will allow you to sign up for my blogs by email! I will be posting on every Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday! If you enjoyed your read, please consider sharing on Facebook or Twitter. 

Happy Friday!

Poetry Tuesday

I am going to do something a little different today. All of my posts so far have been just me talking to you guys, but today I would like to share a poem that I have written. GASP! I know, I know. Truthfully, it's quite unusual for me to write a poem; maybe I should explore that type of writing some more. But I think the reason that I don't is because I view poems and poetry as a particularly emotion filled outlet. Something that I might do when I feel extremely sad or angry. And the day that I wrote this poem, I was feeling a little of both.

It had been an incredibly tough day at work. The job that I was currently working in was not in itself an activity that I disliked; it was the people at the job that made it tough. Looking back, I know that I was not wrong. I may have not always chosen to react in the way that I should have, and I am glad to be able to look back and learn. I am entirely grateful to God when I look back on the painful situation that He brought me out of. But the person who I was under was not entirely ready for their position. It showed in the way that they treated those who were beneath them. Basically, if you were answering to them, you knew that you were "under" them. In their mind, leadership meant hierarchy, belittlement, condescension, and zero encouragement for anything less than perfection. I genuinely hated working there, because I felt like every day was a new chance to get disrespected and treated like a complete imbecile.

This poem is describing a misunderstanding that I and the said coworker had one morning. I said something that was not a put down at all. I honestly did not intentionally or unintentionally say anything that was anywhere near the realm of an insult. I just wasn't willing to pretend to be buddy buddy any longer, and when I didn't reciprocate the fake front of being friends, I was reprimanded for it. I was told that I was rude, but that wasn't the case; I just wasn't going to fake friendship anymore. I was tired of being fake, and my participation in the forced dynamic was through. I promised myself I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of actually being rude, but I also wasn't going to torture myself any longer by playing friends. There would be no more compliance on my part when it came to their desire for me to be in their highly controlled circle of friend-employees. I was there to earn rent money, not grovel for a higher position in a company by pretending to like those above me. Rough, but true. And I was not wrong to not want to be friends! But that's not how it was taken.

I desperately wanted out of that job. I disliked it more and more with every passing day. But I was not going to let myself quit; we didn't have the money for that. And I wasn't going to let myself have a job terminating outburst either; that is not who I wanted to be. I had dialogue with God all the time about this job, and He had one reply every time.
"Love them". 

What?! Really, God?! Don't you see what I am going through? Don't you see how controlling they are? How two-faced? I mean I know for a fact, that the way they're treating me is wrong. His answer; "Yes, I see that. But love them".

I didn't want to hear it. His answer was soft at first. Soft enough for me to tell myself that I didn't hear it and continue in my ways. I went through my workday with a grudge. I didn't act rude, just as I had promised myself, but I didn't love.

Okay, God. I know you know. I've told you enough times already, but when will I get out of this job? Please guide me to the next job. The job I know you have for me. 

"Love them."

Love them? Okay. I want to obey you. So, yes, Lord. I will love them. And I would go to work the next day with the full intention to do just that, but I hadn't let go of the anger. I still had much anger inside me that was quenching the love that God wanted to pour out of me and onto my managers.

After the misunderstanding, I wrote this:

Offended?

So am I.

Your thin skin drives me up the wall

But how can I be offended by your offense?

That diverges off the path

Going backwards to where I don't belong.

But am I so bad

Was I so mean?

If I were in your place,

and you were in mine,

What would I have felt and seen?

No, a joke that was not at your expense

Cannot have been so bad.

Your hurt procures your hurt

Along with your controlled past.

The names of some are sour

As they pass through my lips.

Your teeth are smiling,

But in your heart

Compassion has lost it's grip.

Replaced by insecurity,

Now your suffering is my own.

And this I let fan my own compassion

And now I see,

I must choose peace

I must choose joy.

I stay connected to the vine,

And then I cannot help 

But want to want.

I want to be compassionate

To want to see you free.

I have to get over my own self 

And submit myself to the one who set you in my path

Not for my own frustration, 

But to showcase his glory.

To manifest Heaven on Earth.

This lowly

crowded

ball of mud

Does not have to be so bland 

And devoid of God.

No,

That is why you're here.

It's why I'm here.

Here in our tough

And getting tougher situations.

But they have not overcome us!

The joy of the LORD is our strength

And what makes no sense,I will do and I will not stop doing,

Because with God

With God I can lean back

And struggle no more.

His peace abounds,

And I look into the eyes of a person

Not an obstacle.

I see pain still rattling

Like a pond disturbed by a pebble.

And swearing to my own hurt,

I feel the Holy One inside me

Stopping the ripples from getting to me.

He gives me the strength to heal

And not hurt

The world becomes more real

We are not flat 

one dimensional beings

She has hurt out of her own hurt,

And the path less chosen

Opens up in front of me.

That poem started out completely fueled by my inner struggle. I just wanted to give in to my anger and my need to be treated correctly. I wanted to tell them exactly what they did and who they really were, which was different from who they fronted being; who they thought they were. But I knew that was not what God wanted me to do. I knew for a fact that He wanted me to take the situation I was in and react in a way that no one else would- in a way that others would tell me I was crazy for doing. I could feel God loving me, and He wanted me to let go of my pain and anger and give in to what His will really was for my life and the lives of my managers. He wanted me to repay their toxic attitudes and actions with love and forgiveness. 

I can't take credit for this whole poem. I feel as if at some point the Holy Spirit took my pen and started writing to me and for me. As I said before, I tried to brush off what God had told me to do. I didn't want to hear it, but day after day, prayer after prayer, God showed me that I needed to really do what I said I would, and love. Not love when they treat me correctly which never happened, but love them every second that I was there. So one day, after realizing that I was not obeying God, I asked Him for help.

"I know I am not loving these people, God. You ask me to, and I say yes, but I am not really doing it. Show me how, Lord. Show me how to love them. Help me do this, God, because sometimes I wonder if I'm even capable of seeing past the pain and anger and loving them! I know that is Your will for me, and I know I am not really loving. Help me, God. Show me how."

God heard my prayer. Not too long after that honest prayer, God drastically changed my perspective. He expanded my heart for my manager and opened my eyes to the pain that she held inside. Being in the work environment that I described had undoubtedly taken a toll. I saw her insecurity and sadness. It was undeniably the hand of God softening the callouses on my heart and lifting the scales off of my eyes, because it was not as if this girl opened up to me. She didn't tell me about how she was really feeling inside, I just saw her for a split second and was given some insight into her pain by God. I looked at her and was able to perceive what she tried to hide from everyone else. It was nothing short of miraculous. God will do that, if we let Him. He will break our hearts so that the enemies in our life can transform before our eyes into those who need us most desperately if we allow God to come into the mess with us.

I learned something incredibly life changing from that job. I might have been pushed close to the point of acting out, but God was with me, and held me back from the ledge. And because of His grace and mercy, I can look back and see very clearly that God's mission was and is always to love. I mean, this was a situation in which, as I said earlier, I was right. I had been treated in an incredibly demeaning way, but God still saw what I didn't see. He saw people- souls. When I had completely dehumanized them in my mind because of their actions towards me, God still saw them as who they were: those whom He had died for. And not collectively either. Jesus died for us individually, one by one, loving each one of us through to His own death. 

God is in the business of loving. In His holiness, that is His only language. He is for you, yes, but the person in that car- the person on the other side of that table- the person on the other side of that TV, He is ALSO for. And maybe that person has crossed paths with you for a reason. Not to be some cosmic curriculum from God, but to be a person with real needs that could meet by God through us if we would die to ourselves a little so that we could love them. 
This is why following God is hard. Not because we have to be different. People are different for the sake of being different every day. Being "different" is easy. But we are called higher than that. We are called to love when it makes no sense at all. We are called to repay the dirty, wrong, filthy deeds of the world with a love they have never known- and will never know otherwise. 

It's not easy, and it doesn't make sense, but it is what we are made to do. We were designed to love. When we are able to let God flow through us and touch the lives of others, we are in our element. When I think back to the period of time that I was still in that job (before I started listening to God), I realize how miserable I was. I hated my job, and I would cry every time I had a hard day, which was a lot of the time. I was in the constant turmoil of trying to obey myself or obey God, and the former was bringing only more pain. Don't let the devil steal your peace and joy like I did. We were made to be the hands and feet of Christ. When we aren't the world has no one to show them Jesus love. But when we do, God moves mightily, lives are changed, and there is no denying His powerful, personal love. 

Praying for Blimps

Things are opening up to me in a huge way. I use to feel like I had absolutely no idea what in the world I wanted to do. The notion of being seventeen and being asked what I wanted to major in was nothing short of pee-my-pants terrifying. I am not sure what was running through my fellow student's minds. They all seemed way to excited and sure about their future! But to me, the question, "What are you going to major in?" sounded a lot more like, "What thing that you sort of like doing are you willing to put a backbreaking amount of money on?" Um NOTHING! I have no idea what I want to do; I'm not even allowed to buy alcohol yet! Why would I know that?!

I actually didn't go to college right out of high school. Wether it was out of rebellion or some good forethought, I didn't go. I took a year off, and I am so glad that I did. While everyone else was rushing off to buy their very expensive piece of the pie, I was still here in Lubbock taking it slowly. I don't know how prepared everyone else was, but if they were anything like I was, they had only a tiny, minuscule notion of what they wanted to do upon which they were trying to fly a massive blimp of a decision. No. Thank. You.

I could go anywhere from here, really. I could ramble on about how college is becoming a sort of right of passage. I could talk about how ill-prepared I felt left by my education for such a pivotal decision. I might even be able to get a few good paragraphs out about how crazy it is to expect a seventeen year old to know how to build a foundation for their career path. But I think rather than using more words to further vocalize my dissatisfaction with societal expectations and my personal experience, I think I'll talk about what helped me get to where I am today.

Now I'm not referring to fully accomplishing my career goals, although God really has blessed me with a great job for this stage in life! Let's go back to what I was first saying. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had the option of learning in front of me, but I had no idea which direction to go. Now flash forward to today. I have a much greater understanding of what I want to do with my career.  I know what fields I wish to be in. I have concrete goals that I work on whenever I have time. I know where I am currently, and I know where I want to be.

Those are things that I am not sure some people ever fully realize. Every single person, wether they believe it or not, has gifts that God has placed inside of them. There is not a single person on the planet that does not have a brilliantly exciting purpose waiting to be found, planted, and watered. Max Lucado referred to this individual talent and purpose as a "sweet spot".

But what now? I grew up hearing that from various preachers. I believed it and I still do. But in the meantime, it was hard to reconcile that to what I felt, because I felt like I was the defective sheep of the herd. You know, the one that has eyes that look two different ways and runs into things a lot? That was how I felt in high school.

All of my colleagues at school were good- really good at something. Some were great at sports, breaking school records and winning every game. I was too afraid to interact with others to even try to be on a team. Many in my class killed it every morning leading worship. I was too afraid to even think about getting on a stage. A few in my art class were practically perfect, while I struggled to even get a project done in under a week because I had to keep correcting mistakes. Others were GREAT at writing, constantly receiving praise from our English teacher for their seemingly flawless grammar. I was the one receiving my paper back with all of the commas circled, homophones misused, and a whole paragraph, written in red, ending with, "See me after class". Yep. Good times.

But looking back, I see that I was wrong. I was not less talented than everyone else. And they didn't have their life completely figured out. There are some key things that have been very instrumental in my journey to self-discovery, so to speak. I don't really like the term "self-discovery" too much. We should always be in hot pursuit of God and not ourselves, because it is within God that we find our being. So that said, here are some tiny tips for anyone in any stage of life who wants to enter in to what God made them to be best at doing.

1) Pray.

Really. Pray. That is the number one thing that you can do to take steps towards finding out what in the world you want to do in life. At seventeen, and even still today, the number of things that a person can do for a job seemed to be so numerous that the amount looked impossible to properly navigate. I had some things that I kind of liked to do, but there was a sea of things that I had yet to give a go. 

I flash back to the show Dirty Jobs. Anyone remember that show? Mike Rowe tried a multitude of jobs we had never heard of before. Some weren't that dirty, but almost every single one was a job that the average person had never encountered. And this was all just one category: dirty. I know you can't get a degree in "dirty", and it's not like I wanted to do anything I saw on the show. But Dirty Jobs got my mental cogs turning, and my conclusion was clear. There are numerous things I have never tried. The job that I am good at, my sweet spot, may be something I have never even heard of before! How could I definitively say that I know for sure what I should be doing if I know so little about what there is to do?! 

That being said, I knew I needed someone who actually knew what I really would be best at doing. The only one who could do that- the only one who would be able to look into me and see who I was made to be, is God.

Philippians 4:6 says "Don't be anxious about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done." If we did that, how much of a change in our lives would we see?! This is the God of the universe we are talking about! He is the same God who created dinosaurs and spun the stars into existence. And he even has names for all the stars! (I wonder if he named the dinosaurs.) Why would we not come to Him with anything and every single thing that we need help handling? Joyce Meyer put it this way: If there were some sort of agency that could take all of your life's problems and work on them for you, wouldn't you definitely check it out? If it turned out to be true, the line would circle the building twenty-four seven!

To me, the decision of where I wanted to go to college and what I wanted to major in was incredibly pivotal. The number of directions that my life could go in could drastically change depending on where I chose to go to school and what I majored in while I was there. I had no idea of the direction in which I wanted my life to go, and this most basic step towards wherever that might be seemed simply out of my grasp. 

Now, not every decision is going to hit you like that. Most decisions we make will turn out alright whichever option we choose. But if something is bothering you, don't miss the opportunity to put it in the hands of someone who will never let you down. What is important to you is always important to God, because you are important to God. Be honest with Him, and pray for wisdom and guidance for the path ahead. You will not regret it.

2)Take your time.

On the subject of college, the university will still be there a year after graduation. It will even be there two years after graduation! And three, and so on. Hearing God and getting to know what you really like takes time, so don't feel like you have to rush into anything. My dad just started his second year of being a history teacher in his 50's, and he is loving it! I'm pretty sure that time is not an issue, as far as God is concerned.

After you pray for guidance and wisdom, wait upon the Lord. When I asked God where I wanted to go to college, it almost felt like I didn't get any answer back. I felt like I was getting nothing but static from the other end. But by the end of the year, I felt sure in my decision to take year off. I waited and pursued God and his guidance, and He didn't leave me hanging.

3) Don't be swayed by past failures or what people have said about you.

For a long time, I felt like I didn't have what it takes to write. Truthfully, spelling alludes me, and comma rules confound me. When I switched schools my junior year, I was greeted by an English curriculum that was at a college level. Kudos to the high school I went to for pushing your students, but I could barely meet the challenge that was in front of me! After I writing my first paper for my sophomore English class, my teacher asked me if I wanted to go down to the lower level of junior English. There was no way that was going to happen. I considered myself to be pretty intelligent, and I wasn't going to just lay down and take what felt like a major insult. 

As the class went on, though, it became clear that I was perfectly capable of getting on the same page as everyone else. I wasn't unable to meet the status quo, as my teacher had feared. I just had not yet been taught how to write at the level that everyone else had prior to this class. Not to mention that I sound terribly dry and uninteresting when writing about things I care nothing about! How do you choke down rereading and rewriting a paper if you were already bored writing it the first time!? (Sorry, Poe, but fifteen pages about you far surpasses any interest that I ever had about your poetry or your dark past that fueled it.)

I did make adequate grades for the class. Not all of it was writing. But my writing got a pounding every time my teacher helped me revise it. My goal of writing an assignment that she would say was good seemed more and more unobtainable after paper. It was a nightmare of pulling teeth to practice writing by choosing subject matter that I already had to force myself to read. 

That was not a fun class. I left it feeling more ashamed of my writing abilities than I had ever felt. What was an easy- tedious but easy class for others, had not been a breeze for me. I struggled and scraped to prove that I was capable.  But I had never thought I would pursue writing as any sort of career, so it was not that big of a deal to me. I figured that I could do something else that didn't have such a long contradictory list of rules, and I would be fine.

All of this because of what a teacher had said. I gravitated away from something that I truly liked because someone made me feel like I didn't have what it takes. Don't misunderstand me, though, my teacher didn't have it out for me. I never felt that she did either. I just was a little behind the curriculum, and I knew that was the case. The way in which the situation that played out still had a major impact on me. I was scared of more failure and more inability, so I shied away from discovering the seed that God had placed inside me.

But that didn't change what God had made me to do. The desire and ability to communicate through writing never left me. His purpose for my life still stood strong. After maturing into the person I am today, I can look back and take away good from that situation. You see, growing up, I moved around a lot. Up until my junior year of high school, I had never been in such a rigorous English course. I was not defective in some way, I just had not had the proper prior training! 

A year after I graduated, I started taking classes at South Plains College. One of them turned out to be a writing class! Perhaps it was the small ego boost that I got from not being so behind (thank you junior and senior English!), or maybe it was my teachers methods, but I had a renewed love for writing and learning how to write! My professor started from the top by laying out the rules for sentence structure and punctuation. Our textbook was straightforward and had interesting short stories in them. I was not learning how to formulaically pound out a term paper, I was learning how to write. The world that opened up in front of me was vibrantly colorful with many places to visit and learn from! That was an incredibly stark contrast to the dingy, black and grey environment that had me hunching over a table dutifully anguishing over an assignment I couldn't enjoy. College English was my favorite class. Money well spent. My professor even had nice things to say about my writing! I even saw a pig fly!

God was not done with me after junior year. He didn't leave me in the low point that my junior English class had. He lead me to people who would encourage me to keep going and keep trying. If God has placed something in your heart, don't let the words of others or past failures deter you from pursuing your own personal sweet spot. We all have to start somewhere. None of us are born able to do what we were made to do right off the bat. We all have to learn, and part of that learning is done by failing. People in your life may incorrectly view this failure as a sign that you don't have what it takes. When that happen's, lean into God and what HE says about you. You CAN do ALL things  through Christ who strengthens you.

4) Take life one small step at a time.

Don't succumb to the urge to jump the gun. Most of the time, when you ask God for guidance and direction, He will give you the next small step. After praying and asking God for those two very things, I really hoped that His answer to me would consist of a specific college. I would have been even happier if I had gotten some sort of heavenly email with a 5 year plan in it, but that's not how God operates. He will lead you in the way that he knows you can follow, and that is one step at a time.

Often, I think we even miss what God wants us to do because we are looking for that grand overreaching vision for our entire lives. We pray for the next step not ready to listen for something smaller than we expected. When you pray and take time to hear God's plan for you, don't close your mind off to even the smallest step. 

When God visited Elijah (1 Kings 19), He did so in a small still voice. There was a rock breaking wind, an earthquake, and even a fire, but none of those were God's choice for a mode of transportation. Don't be fooled by the strong winds, the earthquakes, or even the fires that pass by us in life. There will be many tempting and grand opportunities that feel right, but feelings and appearance cannot be what govern our choices. All of the pandemonium could have swayed Elijah and caused him to miss God passing by. If he would have missed God's still small voice, he might have forewent the opportunity to anoint two kings and a successor. Wow!

I don't always feel like I have a major propose. My sweet spot doesn't always feel so sweet. Sometimes, I have doubts. The temptation to look at others and put my own abilities down is a daily battle. But God never leaves me. He is always there to turn my eyes back towards Him. The journey to finding out what gift God has placed in you is not the simplest path, but it is worth it. Upon entering into the realm that God has for us, we find a sense of purpose and fulfillment, and living for God is the only way to truly do that. Pursue God, and you will inevitably "find yourself". Stay with God, and you'll soon be out of the chaos and living with purpose.

The Green Chair

August 25th was the last day that I put time into my blog. It has been a while. School has started up since then. On that Monday I wasn't going back to school, and I didn't even have a kid that I was pushing into the back of my minivan, but I still couldn't escape the hustle and bustle of cramming something back into our routine. The roads were notably busier. The street that I use to turn onto to avoid an extra traffic light was now a nightmarish traffic jam. My coworkers with children now took an extra five to fifteen minutes to show up. Even the road that I go down to get to work was even telling me to slow down for the start up of school with a flashing 20 mile per hour sign. Yay. 

Yes our community was now back in full swing, and it had its various tolls on each one of us. School goers had to begrudgingly interrupt their daily hibernation. Mom's and Dad's alike now had choir, band, and football practice to take their children too. And the rest of us got to complain about the absurdity of sharing the road with more people than we were use to. We all were rushing to adjust.

When I adjust to things, school, a new job, moving out, getting married, I find that it is almost unavoidable that I drop certain things. They could be activities that I once found important, like keeping up with my blog. They could be things that I use to do to wind down like spending time just browsing the internet. They could even not be things but people. Not that I didn't enjoy our time together, but when we get busy, we do what we can to survive. That means we inadvertently spend some time away from friends and/or acquaintances out of pure lack of time or the inability to figure out how to adapt. 

We only have so much time and energy, so this removal of the unimportant is almost unavoidable when the little stamina we have is consumed. More things come on our plate that are often mandatory, and somethings go to the back burner. Some things even go to the trash, never to be picked back up again, but the trick isn't to drop everything. The trick isn't even to try to become superwoman and keep everything on your plate. No, the real way to survive any big change is to know what is most important and too not under any circumstances let go of whatever that happens to be.

When I was very little, my mom had me bring all of my most precious things to the kitchen and place them on a dining room chair. I went back to my room toy box, and selected only the finest things any person could aspire to own: a purple teddy bear and a white horse with rainbow hair. There was more than enough room for my treasures! I can still see my perspective of it to this day in my minds eye. This green, wooden chair was taller than my five or six year old self. It was almost a table to me at that age. With all of my treasures on the chair, I felt completely pleased with myself! The sight of my favorite toys sitting in that chair was validation to me that they did indeed deserve such majesty. But then my Mom came in with the punch. 

"Candace, can God sit on this chair?" My mom wasn't being stern. Her voice was soft and caring. She was honestly asking me to step out into the realm of deeper thinking. My mom placed a lot of faith in my five year old self to be able to learn such a deep truth. 

Can God sit on my chair? Well I guess. I mean He would have to scoot the horse to one side and put the bear in His lap, but yah, it could be done. My mind, ever the literal machine even at five, came up with the answer that, yes, God could probably share the chair with my toys. But my mother was not satisfied.

"No, Candace. God needs to sit on the throne ALONE. There isn't room for both your favorite things AND God." She drove her point home by trying to sit her adult self down in the chair with my things, which obviously was not going to happen in that one adult sized green chair. 

I learned that day from a seemingly simple illustration aimed toward an audience that most would expect to not be able to understand. Her sweet way of calling me higher allowed me to grow in a way that would reach over my entire life. I never forgot that moment, and I never will. When God does bring it to my mind every now and then, I find that there are multiple takeaways that can apply to every time in a person's life.

1) That which is on your chair IS ruling you.

My mom asked me to put the most important things that I had into a chair. I know I was a kid back then. I don't have the horse anymore, and I think the bear is in storage, but what if we did that today. Who or what would be on our throne? Having trouble relating to the throne bit? Yah, I guess we are a little ways outside of the monarchy days. Think of it this way. What do you spend your time on? What do you spend your money on? Your energy? Just think about it for a little bit. Do you like what is coming to mind? Are you spending your time, money, and energy on things that you believe in? On things that will take you in the direction that you ultimately want your life to go in? Those things are ruling your life. Those things are what you've placed on your green wooden chair.

2) When we live without intention, the things we bring to our chair become things that will propel us in a direction we don't want to go.

Remember what I had in my chair? A horse and a bear. It makes sense because I was a five or six year old. At that age, play time is the best part of the day. Your life is centered around your own well being and happiness just because you're still trying to figure it all out at that age. But are we sill doing that? 

I have responsibilities now. I'm married, and I have a full-time job. If I don't get up in the morning, I might get fired. If I don't clean, my husband and I get to live in dust and dirt city. I literally don't have the option of living as I once did anymore. But sometimes, I still want to just live for me. 

It isn't a conscious thought. I don't have this throne analogy in the forefront of my mind at all times. If I am not careful and living with intention, the things that I live for with my time and energy start to become meaningless. I get comfortable because of my lack of vision, and loose the momentum that I had when God was King of my throne.

Sometimes, out of my own broken selfishness, I go to my room once again and I get the urge to put friends in my chair. Or sometimes, I want to put time on the internet on my chair. I even have tried to put my need for personal justice on my chair. But none of those things will ultimately bring glory to God if they are given the top spot. Neither will they bring peace or fulfillment. While those things have their place, they should always be lower on the priority list than God. If not, we will find ourselves unintentionally going in a direction that is contrary to what we believe in. We stop going forward because the horses and bears of our life are out of the stable and on the throne.

3) There is only room for God if you choose God.

Perhaps the greatest point that my mother made through that whole illustration was that there was not room for God. When she said it, though, I tried to rationalize. I like my toys, I thought. Surely I can keep them in the chair AND have Jesus sit in it too! But Mom would not budge on this one.

"See, Candace? No room for God to sit down. Nope. He'll have to sit on your horse! Do you want God to have to sit on your things?"

Many times in life, I have found myself going through the same thoughts. But I like my sleep! I'm sure God won't mind if I sleep in and only give Him 25 or 30 minutes of my day! Or, but I really need to get this done. God can wait. And even, I know that I wouldn't normally say that in earshot of my grandma, but it sounds so funny that way!  This group of people won't think anything about it anyway. I could go on and on. 

But that's not how it works. The moment that we say yes to God, we are inevitably saying no to other things. We are saying, "I am going to devote my time and energy to you. You can take the seat. I might not be doing something traditionally done for you, like church or a mission trip, but whatever I am doing, I will now follow you. I will listen to you; hear your words, and do my best to follow through with your will for me."

I don't claim perfection, or even anything in that ballpark. Jesus is my righteousness, and nothing that I could ever do adds anything to that. But the Holy Spirit does guide me. And when He calls me higher much like my mother did (and still does), I have the option of either keeping Him on the throne, or essentially booty-bumping Him out of the green chair and onto the kitchen floor. The Holy Spirit is gracious, kind, and patient. He will never force you to let Him have the throne. He is not that type of king. So when we consciously or unconsciously start putting other things or people ahead of Him, He lets us. The cost, our peace, purpose, and joy, are often not noticed until later on down the road after spending so much time without Him that we are able to reap enough of the bad to grab our attention. But we can ALWAYS come back. You can NEVER be too far gone. And all you have to do is simply be real. Say it in your own words to Him. Let Him know what is on your heart. He can take it, I promise you!

"Hey, God. It's been a while. I know I claim to be a Christian and follow you, but lately, I haven't been acting like it at all. I use to. You use to be number one. What happened? 

I don't even know where to begin, really. I mean, it has been very busy- I've been really busy. Life just gets going, and all of the sudden, you have more important things in the day then you have hours. I'm sorry. I opted out. I didn't mean too! That's not how I feel about you. But I have been... Lazy? Unintentional? Uninterested? Uncaring? Self-centered? I don't know. 

But I do know WITHOUT A DOUBT IN MY MIND that YOU STILL LOVE ME! I never forgot that, even though I kind of shoved it to the back of my closet. You never stopped. I know that truth, because you are still within me. Knocking every day. Patiently waiting for me to let You back to me. Waiting for me to let You love me again. 

It's been far too much. It's messy- I'm messy again. I can't do this anymore. I mean, to be honest, I'm lower than I've ever been. This mask is too heavy for me to keep putting on anymore. Please, please forgive me. Come back into my life. It's shambles. You'll need to wear Your boots- there's broken glass everywhere! But I know deep deep down that the love radiating within me is real, and it is BIGGER than ANY slip up, mess up, or flat out failure that I have caused. I NEED you. I never stopped needing you, but now I know that I do. It's in my face how broken I am. And I know for sure that there is hope for me.

 I can see me in a few weeks- me after I start connecting with you again, and the peace is palpable. There's happiness there, there's purpose. And I will be with You. You're love consumes me, and I am whole again. I say yes. I say YES! I want to be with you forever, again. I wonder why I ever left Your abundance, and love, and gentleness for this trough of slop. I choose you.

Change me, Lord. I don't have the strength to, I never did. You do the heavy lifting. I know you are able to do what I never could. You can free me of all that has unceasingly haunted me since as far back as I remember. I'm done with it. I shift my gaze off of myself and onto you. Heal me father. I only want to be with you. I know you hear my honesty. I know you see everything. There's nothing you don't know. I love you. But I know that so much more- SO MUCH MORE is Your love for me. Sit back in your chair, Father, and I'll stir back down at your feet. I'm done with the struggle. I'm done with the pain.

I say yes.
I say yes."